Katie Did and Katie Does
#Reverb10: Let Go
Categories: #Reverb10

Post 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

The second half of 2009 marked a very tumultuous period of my life.  I was with someone who I was crazy for and we were planning a move to New York together.  My move fell through (or rather, it was suddenly not in my best interest) and, as a result, I was forced out of my beloved apartment of 3 years because it had been rented to someone else.  It was also the time that my relationship started to unravel faster than a ball of yarn rolling down stairs.  I started to shut down.

My relationship officially ended in September 2009, but he was still around. In fact, he was still very much the man in my life for about 9 months after that.  The reason we broke up in the first place had nothing to do with our relationship itself or how we felt about each other, but rather external circumstances beyond our control that took their toll after awhile.  We both kept the thought that perhaps one day we would be back together building the life we were going to build in New York.  Because of that, neither of us wanted to let go of the other.

Break-ups happen all the time and they hurt like hell.  Each joining and ending of a union is different, but what made this situation particularly hard was the lack of a clean break.  It became an unhealthy relationship riddled with doubt, insecurity and, most of all, fear.  We were talking about a future together we would one day have, based on how we once loved each other and the happy times we had in the beginning of our relationship.  The problem was, neither our past nor our future was the reality we were dealing with.  And neither became our reality.  When you live in any place that is not the present moment, and you do not see what the present circumstances bring, you live in an untrue world.  The danger of living in an untrue world is that you begin to convince yourself of things that only further entrench you in the depths of such a world.  Everything you tell yourself, your decisions, how you perceive things, all become clouded.  You fall deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.

What became evident over time is that I realized I was holding onto him and to our relationship because I was gripped with the fear of never finding love again.  I had utterly convinced myself that he was the only one that would ever love me, that I would never find such a soulful connection with a man again, that I was going to be alone the rest of my life if he left me.  Now, we all deal with feeling this way at some point in our lives, but what struck me in this situation was how desperate and full of despair I felt.  I was convinced my fears were as factual as the sky is blue.  I couldn’t see anything beyond these fears – it was like I was staring down the barrel of a gun.  What’s more, I didn’t see that this relationship’s purpose was not to bring me the love, fulfillment and family I want one day.  Instead, it’s purpose was to wake me up from my own nightmare.

I’m still not sure how I woke up to the situation I was in, but it was likely a slow unconscious progression.  I can’t recall the day that I was finally able to step outside of myself and see my fears for what they were: nonsense I had been feeding myself my whole life, exacerbated by my current situation.  That nonsense kept me in a relationship well past its due and had led me into other unhealthy romantic situations prior to this relationship.  That nonsense kept me up at night and was the greatest source of anxiety I’ve felt throughout my life.  That nonsense suffocated me with insecurities that led to endless suffering.  Worse yet, I realized I was the creator of all this suffering.  No one caused this but myself.  Once I recognized my own power in this, that what I was believing so strongly in was being conjured up by only myself and no one else, my fears lost the meaning behind them and they fell away.  Recognizing my own power led to the ability to stop playing the victim and allowed me to let go.  Let go of my fears, let go of my suffering, let go of a relationship that no longer served my best interest and highest potential.  I was free of lifelong chains, feeling lighter than ever before in my life.  For the first time in my life, I don’t just know, but I feel that my future is bright, that I will have what my heart desires, that I am the creator of the life I want, and that I can allow or deny any fear from letting me have it.

Liberation is something we all long for, but it eludes many of us.  Letting go sounds simple to do, but often requires diligent resolve and a deep inner strength to recognize and allow what you truly desire.  Letting go allowed me to clear out down-trodden burdens and make room for new love and opportunities.  Letting go is the greatest gift you can ever give to yourself.  It certainly was for me.

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